For the Sake of Cake
by Birdy88
Summary: Because she was bribed with cake, Stephanie promises Ranger to help him bring down someone. Unfortunately, even the best plans go wrong, and Stephanie is taken hostage. And she didn't even get the promised cake...honestly. What's a girl to do?
1. Bribed By Cake

Life is like pizza with toppings you've never tried. Half of your friends tell you it's delicious; he other half tell you its disgusting. When you take that bite, and realize it actually tastes good, someone will lean forward and say, "hey, aren't you allergic to those?"

No, I'm not allergic to anything, but there are many things I would seriously dislike. Kind of like walking into the kitchen after a morning jog to eat my bribe of pineapple upside-down cake and realizing that there was a huge water bug one it.

"Eeyyaaiiii!" I scream at the top of my lungs, more to get the air out of my frozen body than to hope that I'll be rescued. As I live in an apartment building where about nine out of ten people are old and most likely deaf, no one's going to hear me. Without a shred of dignity, I turn on my heel and shoot out the room with the intent of grabbing the car keys and going to Vinnie's office.

About halfway out the door, I realize that I'm not really going anywhere.

"Whoa, babe."

I glance up. There's only one person I know that can say 'babe' without sounding pathetic or dull. Neither of these words describe Ranger. Words like hot, mysterious, and sexy are more apt. And dangerous. Don't forget dangerous. Ranger wears danger just as well as he wears his normal attire of black, tight clothing. Ex-military, but he still has the mentality. And the body.

"There's a roach in my kitchen!" I gripe. "And it's on my cake!"

He smiles. "A bounty hunter who's afraid of a little bug?"

"Hey," I say, offended. "It was big." But even if it were small, I probably would have had a similar reaction. What does my job have to do with it?

In case I didn't mention it, my name is Stephanie Plum. I live in Jersey, and my current occupation was chasing down people who violated their bonds. That's where the money comes in. I used to work with lingerie, but I got laid off. I mean, now life is a lot more dangerous, but there are a lot of perks. Life is never boring, I meet some very interesting people, and I'm rather well known. Mostly for allegedly burning down a funeral home. No one believes me when I say it wasn't me.

Ranger goes off to kill the bug, and I take the opportunity to study how tight his jeans are from behind. I technically have a boyfriend, but that's no reason not to look once in a while. A moment or two passed, then Ranger came back. "All gone," He said.

"It was big, wasn't it?"

"Sure, babe."

"My cake?"

"I threw it away," He glances at me. "Does Rex want it?"

Rex is my hamster, and the closest thing I'll ever have to a child at the rate my life is going. "No," I say sadly. "But it was my last piece of food."

Ranger chuckles. "How about you do me a favor, and I'll buy you a new cake."

"It was my mother's," I inform him. "No one makes pineapple upside-down cake the way she does."

"Then I'll buy you another type."

"What do I have to do?" I ask suspiciously.

"I need you to distract someone for me while my men sneak through the back door and…do something," Ranger says.

I don't ask what they're going to do. Because Ranger will probably say that he would have to kill me if he told me. And while he might not actually kill me, he might take me to his secret hideout, the Bat Cave, and never let me go. Which does have some things going for it…

Whenever I need help taking someone down, I ask Ranger. If he ca't do it, I ask Lula. She's my faithful sidekick, and if I'm having a bad day, I can layer on the mascara and bring her along. No one notices me when Lula's around. Lula likes to wear tight stretchy clothing in bright colors that's only a few dozen sizes too small. Sometimes I worry that some internal organ will not be able to withstand the pressure and will explode, but I've come to think that Lula is indestructible. Kind of like the Buick, my back-up car. An atomic bomb could go off, and when the SWAT teams come rolling in, they'd see a leveled city with a power-blue car smack in the middle, as perfect as can be.

Ranger only needs my help when he needs a distraction. Tease the hair, add the make up, and squeeze into a dress made for someone about seen pounds lighter, I'm not an eye-popper, but I can hold my ground.

Now Ranger needs me. So I have to choose between going into a potentially dangerous situation, where I could get jumped, shot at, groped, chased, peed on, or whatever else may happen. But if I lived… I would get cake. Decisions, decisions. Fortunately, it's an easy one.

"Make it chocolate," I say.


	2. Kidnapped

Ranger had told me to be ready by six O'clock. I had fifteen minutes left when I stepped out the shower. I dried myself off and went into the closet, taking out a siren red dress that had probably been made for someone a few pounds lighter. But the seams looked strong, so without much huffing, I squeezed into it.

I went back into the bathroom, poured about half the bottle of gel on my head, a few pounds of mascara, and a swipe of cherry lip-gloss.

With that done, I sucked in my stomach and shuffled to where my new high heels were. I didn't mean to buy them, but Lula made me do it. I try not to argue with Lula; I tend to pick my battles. Many people try not to argue with Lula. It's like arguing with a massive wall that could kill you without meaning to. After strapping them on, I tottered to get my bag, left the apartment, and locked the door behind me.

I've been trying to take the stairs, but these shoes weren't exactly stair-shoes. They were elevator shoes. Unless, of course, someone offered to carry me. Since no one did, I pressed the down button.

The metal doors slid open to reveal one of the elderly ladies who lived here. She enjoyed pretending to be an elevator lady.

"We have food on the fifth floor!" She said cheerfully. She peered at me. "There's also a gym on the seventh."

I suck in my stomach a bit more and ask for the first floor. She looked disappointed but pushed the button. I got off a few moments later and walked out, to where a black Ford was waiting. I wobbled to the passenger and, gasping, hoisted myself in.

"Babe," Ranger said, a small smile playing in his lips. "I can take you jogging instead."

"Cake's better," I say. "Who am I distracting?"

"Tony Bazzini."

"Ton-Ton?" I'd gone to school with Tony. Actually, he'd been a year or so older, but I still remember him. He was one of those guys who were always clutching a bag of chips in one hand, and a bottle of soda in the other. Unfortunately, metabolism didn't run in the family. That's why we called him Ton-Ton. I haven't seen him in years.

Ranger shrugs. "I got a tip that he's got a stash of cocaine under his bed."

I gape. "Ton-Ton doesn't do drugs!"

"Apparently, one of his slightly shady friends needed a hiding place and stuck it there without…Ton-Ton's knowledge. We would rather get it out and keep him in the dark."

"Okay…"

Ranger pulls to a stop about a block away from his house. I know Ton-Ton lives there because my best friend Mary Lou said she's seen him go in and out there often. I mean, it could have been his mothers house. Or his girlfriends. Apparently not.

"He's in the house 397." Ranger leans over the seat and slips his fingers into my neckline.

"Hey!"

"Wire," He says. "Just so I can keep tags on the conversation."

He's probably going to tape it and share it with his gang. For some reason they find me amusing.

"Okay," I say, and, with another heave, get out and head for Ton-Ton's house. When I get there, I knock on the door, discreetly tugging at the dress. I may not have big breasts, but I know how to use the ones I have. The door opens, and we both goggle at each other.

"Stephanie Plum?"

"Ton-Ton?"

The guy in front of me isn't Ton-Ton. Unless Ton-Ton refers to the muscles.

He grimaces. "I didn't like the name Ton-Ton."

I wouldn't, either.

"Sorry, Tony," I offer. "It's a habit."

"What are you doing here?" He says to a place a foot below my eyes.

"My…cat," I say. "My cat ran away."

He looked puzzled. "I thought you had a hamster."

"No," I lied. "I got a cat a few weeks ago. She ate Rex." Silently I beg Rex's forgiveness. I mean, he doesn't know, but I'll give him an extra raisin tonight. "Then she ran away. I thought maybe you'd seen her?"

"What color is she?"

"Black," I say.

"Nope, I haven't seen a cat. Maybe…" He sticks his head farther out of the doorway. Peering over his shoulder, I see Tank stealthily sneaking towards the stairs. Because Tank was named for his size, it's amazing he can be stealthy.

"Ms. Torrington!" He yells at an old lady next door. Have you seen a cat?"

She peers disapprovingly at me. "Ton-Ton. What would your mother say about you associating with such girls?"

I wince. "I lost my cat," I fib. "It's driving me crazy with worry. I didn't realize what I'd put on was so revealing."

"Humph," Ms. Torrington sniffed. "What color is your cat?"

"White." I say without thinking.

"I thought you'd said it was black?" Ton-Ton said, baffled.

Oops. Ranger was probably laughing at me in the bat mobile right now.

"Um," I say lamely. "It's black and white."

"Oh," Ton-Ton said.

"She's probably lying," Ms. Torrington cackled evilly. "She's probably making up a story while her convict boyfriend is robbing you."

It didn't sound that far-fetched to me, but Ton-Ton laughed and glanced good-naturedly over his shoulder. Just in time to see Tank huff down the stairs with a box in his hands. "THEIF!" He yelled, waving his arms around like crazy. "Call the FBI!"

Ms. Torrington toddled indoors to make the phone call while Tank shoved the box at some guy next to him and started coming at Ton-Ton with a scary expression on his face. Ton-Ton screamed like a girl and grabbed the closest thing he could; me. He looked momentarily disappointed that I wasn't a baseball bat, but then his brain kicked into overdrive. "If you make one more step, I'll kill her!"

I wanted to ask how, but because his arm was around my throat, all I could manage was, "Glugh."

Ton-Ton began to back up, dragging me tripping the whole way. High heels are bad things to be dragged backwards in. I tried to kick him, and Ton-Ton howled in pain, but he shoved me headfirst into his car. There's a screech of tires as Ranger's black car comes at us. Ton-Ton yelps, pulls out a gun from somewhere, and shoots wildly. As luck would have it, he hits Rangers tires. Both of them.

I was too buy trying to keep my skirt from creeping up to try to escape as he leaps into the driver's seat, fishes around for the keys, jams them into the ignition, and puts the petal to the metal. It was when the smell of burning rubber filled my nose that I realized, a bit too late, that I'd just been kidnapped.

How the hell was I going to get my cake now?


	3. Road Trip

3

"Are you crazy?" I shriek at him.

He scowls into the review mirror. "I must be. Kidnapping a thief."

"I'm not a thief!" I yell. "Do I look like one?"

"No…" He says thoughtfully, taking his eyes off the road for a moment. "Actually, you look more like a prostitute."

I'd rather look like a thief. I look around me, and realize that we're in a snarl of traffic. Duh. I start pounding on the back window. "Help!" I yell. "Please help me!" The glass looked pretty solid, but so was my screech.

"God, woman!" Ton-Ton muttered. "Trying to shatter the glass?"

The guy in the red Honda next to me suddenly – finally! – turns his head and looks at me. I can't here him, but he's obviously saying, "Are you okay?"

Do I look okay? I look like a slut. If my mother hears of this, I won't be invited to dinner for weeks. And then what am I going to eat?

I'm about to scream back, "No, I'm not! I'm being kidnapped by an old school pal named Ton-Ton!" But Ton-Ton rolls down the window, and says, "My wife's pregnant, and having one of those emotional swings. It brings out the schizophrenia in her."

"I'm not schizophrenic!" I yell. "And I'm not your wife! I'm not even married to you!" I hold up my left hand. "Do you see a ring?" I point to my stomach. "Do I look pregnant?"

The guy in the other truck shakes his head. "Good luck, man," he says to Ton-Ton. "They only get worse and worse. I'm thirty-five years married, which is why I'm getting a job over in a nearby city for a truck company. I'm hoping I get to drive those oil things to the other side of the States. Anything to get away from her."

"I'll keep that in mind," Ton-Ton says, and rolls up the window.

"Why do you tell people I'm crazy?" I wail. "Why did he believe you? What is it with people these days?"

Ton-Ton kind of gives me an once-over, and shrugs. "Maybe you shouldn't dress like that if you want people to take you seriously. I didn't take you seriously until it was too late."

"You weren't supposed to take me seriously at all."

There's a moment of silence, and he yawns.

"Do you want me to drive?" I smile and flutter my eyelashes. Twenty-five percent hair, seventy-five percent mascara.

"No."

I blow out a breath. Normally, I sleep during long car drives, but I'm being kidnapped. I can't sleep. "Where are you taking me?" I really don't think he's going to hurt me. I mean, he could, but I'm sure he's the same old Ton-Ton deep inside, the one that couldn't hurt a fly. Seriously. He couldn't. I mean, maybe because he'd been too slow to bother swatting at one, but still, that counts, doesn't it?

"Somewhere I can keep you until I find out what the hell is going on."

Egads.

"Um, what is going on?" I try to act innocent, but he shoots me a disbelieving look, like, _Shouldn't I be asking you that?_

I hold up my hands. "Look, I really don't know. Why don't I call…?" I trail off. Ranger. He's still wiring me. I resist the urge to look down at my boobs. Oh, great, he heard the whole schizophrenic thing. I bet he's laughing. I hope he can trace this thing…

Ton-Ton looks at me narrowly. He doesn't seem to believe me. I get a lot of that. "Give me the number and I'll call."

I bite my lip. "Um, the number's programmed into my cell phone." Which is… not… here. Damn. I really could have used it, but my thighs were inhabiting every inch of leeway in my skirt, and I hadn't been able to squeeze it into my back pocked. I'd tried four times. "Um, I think I might have left the cell phone somewhere."

"At home? Can you call someone to get the number for you?"

"My mother," I offer.

His face twists in disgust. "You can call your mommy?"

"Hey!" I bark. "At least I'm not still living with her!"

His face blushes a mottled red. "I'm trying to save up for a new house," he mutters. "I need a grand more, and then I'm finally free. I thought I'd had enough, but they upped the price again."

"Real estate's a bitch," I agree. "Hey! How about you let me go, and I'll pay you the grand."

"You have that type of money?"

"Um…" No. But Ranger did. I could take it from him. Well, borrow, because Ranger doesn't like the paying back to be monetary.

"You don't?" Ton-Ton asks.

"Yes, I do," I bluster. "So why don't you let me call my mother, and we can arrange something? Where's your cell phone?"

"No need," Ton-Ton says, and pulls the car up a small dirt road. My mouth falls open. The last time I looked out the window, we were on the highway. Oh…crap… "Where are we?" I said, my voice sounding a bit too nervous for my liking. "I didn't know there were any dirt roads here." In other words: Ranger! I'm on a dirt road! Get that fine ass over here and rescue me!

"Somewhere," Ton-Ton says mysteriously. "And no need to call your mother. If anyone makes any calls, I will. And I'm not gonna let you go until I get some answers. I don't know what's going on, but I'll find out one way or another."

I didn't like the way he was looking at me, either. I really can't run well in my slut shoes, you know…

Xxx

Sorry for the long wait, last weeks of school are hell. I've started the next chappie so it shouldn't take that long…

Thanks to: **Bine**, **lokkie** (xoxo), **ecstacyrain**, **fairieangel**, **EffyDurach** (whoops, sorry hun! lol), **autumngold**, **Connie**, **LanierShazar**, **Mcshnee**, **jumping-jo**, and **Malini. **


	4. Salvation?

4

The first thing that struck me when I stepped out the car was that it was really, really cold. The, I realized that, being surrounded by trees, it was really, really isolated. I began wondering who would come to my funeral. Lula, Connie, Vinnie, maybe. My mother, my father, my sister, her two kids. Maybe Grandma would be so sad she wouldn't try to peek into my casket. My boyfriend Morelli would come, and I hoped he would remember to bring Rex. He probably would. Morelli is a cop. He remembers stuff like that. I don't.

Which reminds me. I was supposed to meet Morelli for dinner. If I don't show up, he'll get annoyed, then angry, and finally worried. Which is the same thing as angry, really, but he's Italian; he can't help it. He gets a bit protective. Oh, boy, was he going to blow when he found out I got kidnapped. And because I was dressed like a hooker with Ranger.

Hey! Maybe Ranger will actually get here, save me, and I not only get my cake, but I get dinner, too. Two free meals and getting rescued! Sounds good to me…

Speaking of Ranger… Where is he?

Ton-Ton grabs my arm and half-leads, half-drags me into the house. He opens the door – it had been unlocked – and pulled me into the dark interior. Without giving me a chance to examine the house, run away, or scream till my throat was raw, he propelled me to the staircase, up the staircase, and then into a dingy little room with a flimsy bed frame.

"You could redecorate," I point out, my heart thumping. Maybe he'll fix it up after he kills me. So then he can get everything pretty and blood-free at the same time, I think hysterically.

He glances at me strangely. Like, why is she asking this? I don't know. Don't look at me. I'm just a hapless, innocent, victim! I feel tears start to well up, and Ton-Ton backed up. "Bad idea, Steph."

My lower lip wobbled. "I'm supposed to have dinner with my boyfriend in six hours. If I don't go, he's going to kill you!"

He gulped. "Who's your boyfriend?"

"Joe Morelli."

"The guy who wrote the poem on the wall?" He cracked up when I turned bright, bright red. Don't ask. Morelli used to have a bit of a reputation, and after it was my turn to succumb to the legendary Morelli charm, I was graced with some bawdy words written in a public room.

"He's a cop. I don't think he'd like his girlfriend being kidnapped"

He sobered up. "I don't think he'd like his girlfriend dressing up as a slut with a bunch of mysterious guys dressed in black, either."

True.

But, I am above blackmail. "Call him," I say belligerently. "See if I care. Just let me go!" Before Ranger gets here and kicks his as-of-now toned butt and the police get called and I get into even deeper shit with Morelli. Before his little friends hear about this and decide to torture information out of me.

He edges for the door. "I've got connections. I'll call them and ask…"

No, no, no! Bad idea! "Wait!" I say desperately. "You can't trust your connections?"

"Why not?" he says, genuinely puzzled. "They're my friends."

"Drugs!" Hey. I never said I wouldn't crack under pressure. "There's some shady dealing going on, you can't trust them!"

He laughs. "Aw, c'mon, you can't do better than that?" and he shuts the door and locks it. A moment later, I hear him dial some numbers on his cell phone. "Hey. Yeah. Actually, I had some guys trying to break into my house. Some box they were carrying…no, I didn't stop them. But they had some girl with them. I have her here. Yeah, we're alone. Where are you? Oh. It should take out like five minutes to get here. Hurry." A beat of silence. "No… no one knows where we are," he says, sounding puzzled. "Why?"

Oh, man, I'm screwed. So I do what any self-respecting girl would do - I head straight for the rickety old window, take off my shoes, and use one of them to push out the frame. It pops out with a crack.

"What the – " Ton-Ton rushes in, just in time to see me clamber out the window, breathing hard and seams straining. This isn't an escape-out-the-window dress. It's a seduce-your-incredibly-sexy-boyfriend dress that works so well you don't have to worry about sucking in the fat really long because the guy'll have you out of it in ten minutes flat. And now I have to run in it…

I hit the roof of the porch, roll down it with several pinecones to keep me company, and land with a thud on the ground that would have knocked the breath out of me had I not exhaled a moment before to see if I could get some give in the dress.

I wheeze my way to my bare feet, and start running across the lawn when there's the low rumble of an oncoming car. Crap! Those people ton-Ton called must have been closer than he'd thought!

I head straight for the foliage, wincing as I step on sharp objects, and watch as a sleek black car comes into view, just as Ton-Ton rushes out the house, looking around frantically. When he catches sight of the car, he slows down, relief on his face. The car screeches to a halt, and as I watch in shock, the door opens and Ranger gets out, coolly placing a gun against Ton-Ton's temple.

Yes! Saved! I stand up with full intent of rushing across the lawn and getting in that car to get my cake and be on time for dinner, when my arm gets wrenched behind my back and something cold and sharp touches my throat. "You aren't going anywhere," a low voice whispers maliciously in my ear.

That's… not good.


End file.
